Finding the way
by lou1013
Summary: Oliver and Felicity are destined to reconcile? Or are they? This is set early/mid season 5.
1. Chapter 1

**Finding the way…**

The lair was eerily quiet when the team left. There was the usual flurry of activity after a big take-down. Excited break-downs of the fight were discussed at length. When the team left, they took their youthful enthusiasm with them and left Felicity to her beloved computers in peace. The faint beeping and whirling of one of the processors was all the sound to keep her company as she sat with her feet curled up underneath her in front of the computer. Her heels were long discarded under the desk. It was nearly midnight and her feet deserved a break.

Oliver returned from the shower, toweling his hair dry as he approached. "They gone already? They're like a pack of excited school kids when we have a good night out there."

"Yeah I think they were going to get something to eat. They told me to tell you they were heading to Chan's if you wanted to follow," Felicity responded, her eyes only leaving the screen briefly to throw Oliver a fleeting smile. She didn't dare let her eyes fall on him too long. Despite their difficult break-up, she still got flutters seeing him in what can only be described as an attractive pose. His tight white T-shirt rode up enough over his jeans when he dried his hair that she got a peak of his abs. The abs she used to lick before moving lower…

"Earth to Felicity," Oliver said loudly, breaking her reverie.

Felicity jumped, not realizing he had stepped closer to her and was cocking his head to try to make eye contact with her.

"Sorry Oliver. I was in another world there. Another time actually…' She stopped herself before her thoughts could resume on this track.

"I was just asking if you wanted to get something to eat. I'm not really in the mood for Chinese but I'll treat you to your favorite sushi if you like. They close in 20 though so we'd have to move fast." Oliver put his foot up on the chair next to Felicity to tie his laces and the brief disequilibrium meant he brushed against her. It was just for a moment but it was enough time for her to get a brief smell of his scent. It was clean and fresh mixed with his own unique masculine musk.

"Em. I better not thanks. I have my alarm set for 7am to go to the gym. If I miss my Saturday morning boxercise, I'm not right for the weekend." Felicity made an effort to reach under her chair to retrieve her shoes. The wheels slipped on the chair but Oliver's quick reflexes caught her before she slid off the chair. Felicity hopped up in an overly exuberant manner to mask her slight embarrassment.

"Thanks Oliver. You got to love those lightening quick movements of yours," she laughed softly, trying to not make eye contact. When she looked up though, she realized Oliver wasn't laughing and was looking at her with concern.

"Are you still not sleeping well?" Oliver asked. "Did you think about talking to a counselor?"

"And tell them what?" There was no malice, just a sadness in her reply. "I blew up thousands of people and hear their cries in my sleep every night? I think they'd put me in a straight jacket before I could blink." Felicity realized that Oliver still held her arm. It was a gentle grip and she noticed he was rubbing small circles with his thumb on her bare flesh. Felicity didn't know if this was a conscious act but was enjoying the sensation despite her higher judgment telling her not too.

"Come on out for something to eat with me. You can talk to me Felicity." Her heart still jumped slightly sometimes at the way he said her name.

"I don't think that's a good idea Oliver." She moved to turn away on the pretext of retrieving her shoes but in reality to get her hand from his grasp. She was enjoying the sensation too much for someone who was supposed to be in a relationship with someone else. Malone was a good guy. He didn't deserve to be betrayed, even in this small way. Felicity wasn't that kind of person.

"Why not?" Oliver's voice relayed the hurt that her response gave. "It's just two friends going out to eat." Oliver's posture made him look small, his shoulder slumping at her words. Without her shoes, he was a good head bigger than her but he seemed to be so fragile in front of her.

"You know we're never going to be 'just friends'."

"You're right," Oliver straightened up and his words held a little more bite. "Yeah you're right. We were two people who knew each other better than anyone else and planned to spend the rest of our lives together and now we're what?" Oliver's hurt was spilling through in his words. He shook his head to try to restrain himself. "Are we nothing to each other?"

Felicity reached her hand out towards him but he flinched away as if her touch would burn. "Oliver no. Don't say that!" She retracted her hand into a small fist and held it to her stomach like she was holding in the pain his words imbued in her.

"Then what are we? You don't even want to get food with me. Any time our conversation gets even a little bit personal, you retreat. How am I supposed to…" Oliver stopped himself.

"Supposed to what?" Felicity asked, her eyes watery.

"Nothing. Night!" Oliver spun around and headed towards the elevator.

Felicity jogged after him, her feet still bare and making her feel very vulnerable and open. "Wait! Please Oliver. How are you supposed to what?" She caught up with him and gripped his forearm.

He didn't turn but his voice was wavering subtly. "I said nothing. I'll see you tomorrow. Sorry for pushing you to come out with me."

"You weren't pushing. I just want to know what the rest of that sentence was going to be." Her voice was soft. Oliver's greatest weakness in this world was still Felicity and her pleading, hurt tone made him turn half way to look in her direction. However he couldn't look her directly in the eye.

"How am I supposed to ever make it up to you?" Oliver's eyes focused on her feet- brightly painted toes contrasting with the metal floor underfoot.

Felicity's breath held painfully in her chest. "What do you mean?"

"All I've wanted to do since I betrayed you was make it up to you. I thought if I gave you space and time that you'd let me back into your life and I could try to make it up to you in any way that I could but I never seemed to be able to." Oliver's voice wavered again. He cleared it trying to get the courage to finish his sentence. "And now you've moved on and I'll never be able to."

Felicity saw tears threatened to form in his eyes. He turned the extra half circle to face her but his eyes only made it as far as her hands and saw the matching painted nails on her fingers that she was picking at wildly. He saw as she raised her hand up and his eyes followed until he realized that her hand was going to his face. She barely touched his skin along the jawline but didn't remove her hand from his face. "Oliver. I'm sorry." The whole situation was too much and tears fell from her eyes.

With her words Oliver straightened and looked her in the eyes. "You never have to apologize to me. You were nothing but the most supportive and trusting partner anyone could wish for and I ruined that. I don't ever want to hear those words from your mouth again." Oliver allowed his eyes to fall ever so briefly to her mouth, her bright lips pursed together. Lips he adored. Lips he yearned to be allowed to adore again. He lifted his eyes back to hers at the sound of her sniffles. "I have caused you enough pain and I don't want to be the cause of another single tear falling from your eyes again." As if his body was on cue with his words, a few quiet tears fell from Oliver's eyes.

Felicity looked at him through watery lids and yearned to pull him into her chest and soothe him. She used to spend many nights with his head on her lap soothing away his nightmares, rubbing her hands through his hair until the terrors receded. Eventually his nightmares lessened. "Oliver. I don't know what to do."

"You always know what to do," Oliver tried to joke.

Felicity became very aware of where her hand was placed on his jaw. She dropped it from his face but Oliver caught in gently in between his two hands. Felicity heaved a huge sigh.

Oliver gently squeezed her hands in his. "You're the greatest person I have ever known and I'm just trying to find a way that I can still have you in my life."

"I said I was sorry…" She shushed him when he tried to protest her apology again… "because I didn't give you a chance. I was happier than I had ever been when I was with you. When you…" Felicity stopped.

"Lied and betrayed your trust," Oliver interjected.

Felicity eyes shut tightly briefly at his words. "When everything happened with William, I made it all about me. I was betrayed. I was lied to. I never stopped to consider that I was just adding you to the list of men that I thought had betrayed me throughout my life. You're not my Dad or Cooper but my anger was clouding that. I felt that I owed it to myself to not be lied to. I never let myself consider that you are allowed to make mistakes."

Oliver was stunned by her brutal honesty. "You shouldn't have to accept someone lying to you. You deserve better. And maybe that's why I didn't fight for you harder. I thought you deserved better."

Felicity's eyes had fallen from his and her eyes were focused on their intertwined hands. "If you were going to fight for me, what would you have said?"

Oliver was caught off guard by her question and stuttered slightly in his response. "I… I would have told you that I had every intention of telling you about William but that I was seeing if I could get Samantha on my side first. When you were shot, Samantha saw it on the news and threatened to not let me see William again. I talked her down but it lessened my resolve to tell you. I felt that you had been hurt time and again and needed time to recover. You were learning to live with being in a wheelchair and every time I went to say the words to you that I had a son, my nerve went. The longer it went on, the more difficult it became. I thought you would hate me for keeping it from you for so long. I told myself I'd be braver and not marry you until I told you everything. But unfortunately Darkh interrupted that plan. I know it's not an excuse but that's it. All of it."

Felicity pulled gently from his grip and turned her back to him, walking towards the computers and taking a seat. She held her head in her hands, unable to formulate her thoughts into words.

She looked up when she heard Oliver walk towards the locker area. He kept a large locked box in his locker that contained his journals. Oliver walked towards her with the box. It contained about twenty small diaries. "Please read these some time. I plan to burn them in some cathartic manner but before I do, you might read them. I don't want or expect anything from you after reading them and you never have to bring them up or this conversation up again if you don't like but they might help you understand." Oliver placed the box on the computer desk and offered Felicity a gently smile. "Please. I know you owe my nothing but…" Oliver didn't really have an adequate end to his sentence. He tapped nervously on the top of the box before heading towards the elevator.

Felicity watched him retreat in silence. Long after he had gone, she stared at the box of journals. Had she the strength to read all of Oliver's deepest thoughts?

There will be a next chapter. I don't know how many chapters but I'd say only a few. Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Felicity stood under the spray of the shower on Monday morning, inhaling the citrus oils of her shower gel. She thought over all she had read in Oliver's journals this weekend. She learned that he had once seen her in his Father's office, years before she thought they met, 'adorably babbling' as he put it at his picture.

Felicity had read about his pre-island, 'spoiled rich boy days'. He was brutally honest with himself about what a vapid and self-centered person he was before he was lost at sea. She cried as she read again about his father taking his own life, losing Yao Fei, Shado and many others. She learned in more details about the difficult choices he had to make surrounding Sara, the Bratva and Amanda Waller. She knew many of these things would show him in a less than flattering light but that he still wanted her to read it in order to know the real and full Oliver.

Felicity learned from his diaries how broken he was when he came back from the Island. Her stomach retched when she read he considered suicide before committing himself to his Dad's crusade. She learned about the dark pit of despair in him that was alleviated when he walked into her office. He described smiling for the first time a genuine smile and how he increasingly looked forward to seeing her.

After the undertaking she read about how he didn't think that he should be close to anybody after what happened to Tommy and that's why he returned to Lian Yu. His journals told her though that he missed her when he was gone and increasingly he realized what an important part of his life she had become.

Felicity wasn't easy to embarrass but even she blushed in the privacy of the loft while reading about Oliver's fantasizing about his Executive assistant. About how he had to restrain himself while watching her work through the glass window of his office when he was CEO. Felicity didn't realize his attraction to her went back that far. If she had known, she would have kept that grey dress that he seemed fixated on.

Felicity learned that sleeping with Isabel was a way to punish himself for thinking about her like that. He swore he wouldn't get close to her as it would cause her harm.

She learned that she was the reason that the darkness in him was tamed and how he felt like he was allowed to live and be happy again.

Fast forward several years and Felicity's heart broke as she read the dilemma he faced when he found out about William. She was paralyzed so shortly afterwards that Oliver felt like his prophecy of Felicity was coming to fruition. He couldn't risk that happening to someone else. His mind was never at ease trying to find the perfect answer to this dilemma.

When Felicity handed back her engagement ring, he felt this was apt punishment for his lies and didn't try to push her too hard to forgive him. Felicity had always felt that he had given up without a fight. Apart from those beautiful vows he made during their fake wedding, he didn't pressure her. Now she knew why.

Felicity resolved to talk to Oliver today. But she had something she wanted to do first.

Felicity arrived at City Hall at 5pm. She thought it was likely Oliver would be wrapping up for the day. She didn't give advance notice because well she used to not have to make an appointment with Oliver and that was a hard habit to break.

Oliver's assistant asked her twenty questions on why she needed to see Oliver and informed her how very busy he was today. Felicity just rubbed her eyes and was about to leave when Oliver popped his head around the door.

"Thank you Martha. I have five minutes before the Senator comes. Please let Ms Smoak in." Felicity saw Oliver give his assistance a tight smile as he gestured for her to come into the office. When the door closed behind her, he apologized. "Sorry about that. She takes her job _extremely_ seriously."

"Not like some other assistants you've had in the past," Felicity joked.

"Well you had other attributes that made you an exemplary assistant." Oliver spun around to face her from where he perched on the side of his desk. "Wait that sounded wrong. I obviously haven't read the sexual harassment policy yet."

Felicity offered him a small chuckle in reply. "Well your journals tell me all I needed to know about my assistant qualities. And I don't think any of those thoughts would be ok with the sexual harassment policies," Felicity teased.

Oliver ducked his head down in sheepish response. "So you read them?"

"Sorry I went AWOL for the weekend but I figured there was nothing pressing you needed me for and once I started reading, I wanted to finish them. I enjoyed a glass of nice red and put on the fire and read them all."

"Let me guess Argentinian Malbec?" Oliver tried to skirt around his discomfort at having his deepest thoughts read.

"You know me too well." Both stood silently trying to avoid the obvious awkwardness at this situation. "It was very eye opening. I know you were completely honest with me about your five years away but we shied away from some topics deliberately." Felicity paused but Oliver stayed quiet, his hands shoved almost nervously in his pockets. "I have better insight into the difficult choices you've had to make and … it also reminded me how much you loved me."

At her words, Oliver looked up. He took his hands from his pockets and stepped slowly towards her. "Why are you using the past tense?"

"I don't know if you…"

"Mayor Queen. The senator has arrived," Oliver's assistant burst in. If looks could harm, Oliver's would have burned a hole in his assistant at the interruption.

Felicity nervously gathered her coat and bag, dropping her hat in the process. Oliver lifted it and reached out to her, their hands briefly touching. "Can we talk later?" Oliver asked.

"Sure. Of course. Sorry to disturb you at work."

"You're never a disturbance Felicity," Oliver reluctantly let their hands part.

Oliver's meeting with the Senator ran way too long. Oliver found himself unable to focus. What was Felicity going to say to him? Was there ever a chance she could forgive him? Should he ask for that forgiveness?

Oliver texted Felicity after his meeting but when he didn't hear back, he went straight to the training area to take it out on his training mannequins. He didn't hear Diggle and Curtis arrive.

"Hey Oliver. You in another world or what?" Dig was gesticulating over exaggeratedly at him.

"Sorry Dig. I didn't see you guys there."

"You ok man?" Dig threw him a towel.

"Yeah I'm alright. Hey have you guys heard from Felicity?" Oliver asked, taking a slug of water.

"She's over at my house," Curtis interjected. "She's helping Paul on a journal article on her rehabilitation after the insertion of her implant. It's a bit of a novelty in the physiotherapy world."

"Oh ok. She didn't answer my text."

"There's poor phone signal in our place. It's something to do with an old mine or something. You can ring the landline if it's urgent."

"No. That's fine. It's not urgent," Oliver replied.

Curtis and Dig looked suspiciously between themselves. Oliver noticed their looks. "What?"

"Em," Curtis started slowly. "Did she get to talk to you earlier?"

"Yeah she dropped by City Hall but I had a meeting so we didn't talk for long." Oliver approached Curtis and without meaning to, he seemed to have a very imposing stance above Curtis. "Why do you ask?"

"So she didn't tell you about Malone?" Curtis asked cautiously.

"What about _him_ ," Oliver said in almost his 'Arrow' voice?

Dig interjected. "That she and Malone broke up. This morning."

Oliver looked from Curtis to Dig. "What? Did she say why?"

"No man. She just said it wasn't right leading him on if it wasn't _real._ " Dig had a faint smile on his face as he knew the hundreds of thoughts that were going through Oliver's mind right now.

"Is that all she said? Did she say anything to you and Paul?" Oliver directed his attention to Curtis.

"Just the same. She didn't seem to want to talk about it more than that and she seemed ok so we dropped it." A smirk crept up Curtis' face too.

"I need to talk to her. Do you think she wants me to leave her alone or would it be ok to contact her?" Oliver had spun around and was meandering around the training are like a lost puppy.

"One second I'll ask Paul." Oliver spun around to stop Curtis but it was too late as he was already connected to Paul. "Hey Hun. Can you ask Felicity if Oliver can drop by this evening when she's home or is she too tired?" Curtis nodded his head listening to his husband. "Ahem…yup… I see…Ok." Oliver was about to lose his patience when Curtis finished up the call. "Thank Hun. Talk to you later."

"What did he say?" Oliver was like an inpatient schoolboy and Curtis and Dig could only giggle at his un-Oliver like behaviour.

"Felicity said she'd call to yours in about an hour on her way home." Oliver started to pick up his things from the floor and look around him a bit lost.

Dig patted him on the shoulder. "You better get home and get showered. Don't think she'd want a sweaty Oliver answering the door to her." Dig considered his last sentence. "Or maybe she would. Go on. Get out of here Oliver."

"Thanks," Oliver was barely listening to him at this stage. His mind was firmly on what he'd say to Felicity.

"Good luck," the two men shouted after him.

End Chapter 2. Hope you like it. Where do you guys think the story should go? I have in my mind where it should go but I'm open to suggestions.


	3. Chapter 3

Finding the way Chapter 3

Thank you to everyone for the lovely comments and reviews. Apologies for the slow updates.

Oliver paced the length of his apartment relentlessly. He was in danger of wearing a hole in the carpet. His mind was racing. It was a little after ten and he thought Felicity would have arrived by now. His pulse rate was in danger of being pathologically high and his cool shower did nothing to alleviate the anxiety. Oliver was a confident man in all walks of life so why was he now feeling like a nervous schoolboy waiting for his Prom date?

Oliver's finely tuned hearing detected light footsteps that he instantly recognized as Felicity's. He reached the door in two long paces and without thinking, yanked the door open. On the other side stood a slightly stunned Felicity, her hand in midair. Only then did he realize that in his enthusiasm, he hadn't even let her knock.

"Hi," Oliver said breathily, nervously running his hand through his cropped hair.

"Hi," Felicity replied, lowering her hand. "Sorry I'm late. Paul is super enthused about his article so I couldn't cut him off. Especially when he was so good with me during my recovery." Oliver remembered in vivid detail the many painful hours, days and weeks Felicity spent in Paul's physiotherapy studio learning to walk after the implant was inserted into her spine. It made his heart clench at her quiet bravery.

"That's no problem. Thanks for calling. I should have rang and told you to go home and rest instead. I'm sure you're tired after…"

Felicity interrupted, "No. No. I wanted to talk to you." A pointed silence fell between them and Felicity heaved a great sigh.

"Where are my manners? Sorry please come in," Oliver suddenly realized that he still had Felicity standing in his doorway. He stood aside to let her in.

Felicity crossed the threshold into his living room. Felicity hadn't been to his new apartment. He had only been renting it a few months. It was close to City Hall and also the Green Arrow's lair so it was perfectly situated. She noticed that apart from some sparse furniture, most of his possessions were still boxed away. Oliver noticed her eyeing the boxes. "Excuse the mess. I still haven't got around to unpacking. Truth be told, it doesn't feel like home yet so I didn't have the heart to settle in."

Felicity started to shift uncomfortably between her two feet. She was sure he was also recalling the home they had made together and how happy they were in that home. She walked over to the large windows out to the balcony and stared at the twinkling lights below. "I know I said I wanted to talk to you earlier but now I appear to have lost the ability to speak."

Oliver took in the breathtaking view of Felicity's profile beside him. The city's lights lit up her face and made her eyes sparkle. Her beautiful hair fell about her face, slightly mussed up after the day. Her lipstick had worn off and he was sure it was from her incessant biting of them. He stared, almost fixated, on where her teeth nipped into her beautiful pink lips nervously. "Well it takes an awful lot for you to stop speaking," Oliver tried to joked, standing next to her. She turned towards him but only briefly. Her nerve would falter if she stared into his gentle eyes. There was so much of Oliver that had become anything but gentle over the years, but she always saw it when she stared into his eyes.

Oliver noticed her fidgeting with the belt of her jacket. "Can I take your coat?" Oliver tried to break the slight awkwardness at their situation. There used never be awkwardness between them but a lot had transpired over the nine months since their relationship ended.

"Sure thanks," Felicity said, shrugging the jacket off and handing it to him.

With her coat clutched in his hands, he blurted out "Dig said you and Malone broke up."

Felicity was caught off guard and stuttered slightly. "Em. Yeah. Sorry I was leading up that but… well yeah. We did."

A silence hung between them as Oliver stared down at her coat. "Sorry. I didn't mean to start with that."

"No. No, it's ok Oliver. I told you that I was waiting to see if it was real and well… it wasn't. Don't get me wrong. He's a fantastic person," she noticed Oliver flinch slightly, "but I was using him for the wrong reasons."

"What do you mean?" Oliver asked, lifting his gaze to her.

She noticed he was running his thumb up and down the material of her coat. She remembered how his fingers felt running up and down her spine as she lay in bed with Oliver on many a lazy morning. She turned suddenly and walked over to a pillar in the middle of the room, resting her head back against it, her eyes falling closeed. "Oliver I moved to this city very shortly before joining 'The Vigilante's' crusade. Over the years my double life didn't leave me much time to meet friends. About five months after we broke up, _he_ asked me out. I was lonely. He was nice. And…"

Oliver took one step towards her but still left her plenty of personal space. "And what?"

Felicity sighed and slowly opened her eyes. There was such sadness in them. Her brow was furrowed and her nose wrinkled up. He knew she was finding it hard to get out what she really wanted to say.

"You can tell me Felicity." Oliver's voice was so quite, almost as if he didn't want to hear the answer.

"And I thought you had given up on me…" she heard his gasp slightly but continued "…because you thought I had given up on you." Felicity considered for a second turning and fleeing from the apartment altogether.

"And had you? Given up on me I mean?" Oliver sounded hurt and lost.

"At first I was just hurt and then stubborn but when I got over those emotions, it didn't seem like you were trying to get me back any more so I thought maybe you were happier that we were just working together again like the old days and that maybe…" Felicity didn't know if she couldn utter the words. "Maybe you no longer loved me."

Oliver closed the space between them in a flash that Barry Allen would have even been impressed with. He stood inches from her. His eyes bore into her and she couldn't tell if it was due to hurt, anger or something else. She got her answer when he lifted his hand to cup her cheek and she unconsciously leaned into his touch. "Felicity," Oliver drew her name out on his tongue, a million yearnings in his voice, "I don't know how not to be in love with you. You're my everything." Oliver saw her chest shudder slightly and she swallowed hard. "I did my best to let you move on. I felt that only fair after everything I put you through. I thought in time that my feelings for you could be buried but I love you as much now as the day I got down on one knee to you."

Felicity choked back tears now, her breath hitching with each expiration. Words escaped her. Oliver thought for a moment he had gone too far and was about to pull away and give her space when he saw her lips move. "I love you too Oliver."


End file.
